Slippery Rock Gazette

The Funny Pages

Sam Venable 

Department of Irony

Among the hundreds of joys that fill my heart every Christmas, one comes readily to mind: I’m ever-so-thankful I’m not an adjudicator for Guinness World Records.

Those are the people Guinness dispatches to every nook and cranny of the globe to make certain all the T’s are dotted and the I’s are crossed when someone applies for a record. Or, in the case of Christmas light competition, all the bulbs are counted.

Even if these people make $10,000 an hour, it’s not enough.

Consider what happened in 2015 when David Richards of Canberra, Australia, set the world record for most lights on an artificial Christmas tree at 518,838.

Please note: not “more than 518,000” or “nearly 519,000” or “a little over half a million.”

Instead, precisely 518,838. As in “1, 2, 3, 4, (calculate-calculate)-DON’T-INTERRUPT-ME!-278,356; 278,357; 278,35-ahh-choo!-Aaarrrrgh!-1, 2, 3, 4...”

The poor soul was not named by Guinness. I know it’s a woman, though, because I saw her on a YouTube account of the feat. Even all these years later, she’s probably still crawling across the floor of some 24-hour Canberra pub, chugging 32-ounce Foster’s fast and furious and mumbling incoherently.

But if you think she had it tough, consider the person(s) who tallied the most Christmas lights in a public square (1,529,103 in Myoko, Japan) or most Christmas lights on a house (601,736 in New York.)

Guinness adjudicators are up to their armpits in numbers at Christmas. Consider a few other Yule goodies they’ve recorded through the years.

• Largest human Christmas tree: Chengannur, India, 4,030 individuals — color coordinated in red, green and brown clothes, depending on their respective role as ornaments, foliage or trunk. (Don’t know whether I feel sorrier for the counter or the organizer trying to keep everyone in place.)
  
  
• Largest artificial Christmas tree: 236 feet, 6.58 inches, Colombo, Sri Lanka. (Hope they had an extra-long tape measure and weren’t afraid of heights.)
  
  
• Largest gingerbread house by internal volume: 39,201.8 cubic feet, Bryan, Texas. (Were sample nibbles deducted?)
  
  
• Longest Christmas wish list: 13,052.66 feet, Lapland, Finland. (No word on the most-requested item.)
  
  
• Largest Christmas tree ornament: 15 feet, .31 inches in diameter, Forst, Italy. (How loud a noise would it make if dropped?)
  
  
• Heaviest Santa Claus sled: 35,163 pounds, 11.73 ounces, Cobourg, Ontario, Canada. (PETA should sue on behalf of the reindeer.)
  
  
• Largest gathering of Santa Clauses: 18,112, Kerala, India. (But which one was the Real McCoy?)

Thanks just the same, but I’ll settle for a half-dozen sugarplums.

Sam Venable is an author, comedic entertainer, and humor columnist for the Knoxville (TN) News Sentinel. His latest book is “The Joke’s on YOU! (All I Did Was Clean Out My Files).” He may be reached at sam.venable@outlook.com.

‘Twas the Deadline Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before deadline, and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring —  except for my mouse.

The coffee was brewing, the snacks piled with care,
In hopes that my brain would soon actually care.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Wi-Fi danced in their heads.
And I in my sweatpants, and you in your cap,
Had just settled in for a late-night work lap.

When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
I tripped over Legos to see what was the matter.
Away to the window, I flew like a flash,
Stubbed my big toe and fell with a crash.

The moon on the grass, barely needing a filter,
Made me wish I’d gone to bed —
not played HALO till winter.
When what to my sleep-deprived eyes did appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and a dude chugging beer.

With a little old driver, so lively and spry,
I knew in a moment it was That Guy.
More rapid than giggles, his sarcasm came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called out some names:

“Yo, Dasher! Yo, Dancer! You better not lag!
On, Prancer! On, Vixen! Get that snack bag!
To the top of the roof! To the top of the wall!
And don’t trip on the shingles, we’re on the job, y’all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When meet with an obstacle, soar to the sky.
So up to the rooftop, then quickly they flew,
With a sleigh full of memes and That Guy, too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard from the roof
The stomping, and groaning — like they’d lost a shoe.
As I rubbed my tired eyes and was turning around,
Down the chimney That Guy came in with a bound.

He was dressed all in flannel, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with crumbs and some soot.
A bag of last-minute gifts was flung on his back,
And he looked like he’d raided the dollar-store rack.

His eyes—how they twinkled! His dimples, how scary!
His cheeks were like pizza, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
As if thinking of TikToks he’d already posted, ya know.

The stump of a vape he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke circled up like a foul mini-wreath.
He had a broad face and a round dad-bod belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, like a midwinter snack,
And I laughed when I saw him, though I needed a nap.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Wrapping gifts with duct tape—oh boy, what a quirk.
Then, laying his finger aside of his nose,
He sneezed once, and poof! Up the chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his squad gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like a surface to air missile.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight…
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Seasonal and Topical Cartoons, by Mark Anderson